Letters
by Feri
Summary: A letter between an irate Xanxus and his second in command, Squalo. R&R please - this is my first story C: If people like it, I will write more letters between other characters in Reborn. Requests welcomed! Matured for language.
1. XANXUS is pissed

To my moronic second in command, S. Squalo.

Hello, _Squalo_.  
I'm fuckin' being forced to write this goddamn fucking letter because that fucking laptop you gave me screwed up and died on me. I'm not good with technology - _being frozen for the past couple of years does that to you. _  
Anyway, I fucking want to know why none of Varia have shown up so I can get out of this shit-hole. I don't _care_ that you're swamped with missions.  
I don't FUCKING CARE.  
And if being stuck in this godforsaken ROCK off the coast of GOD KNOWS WHERE was bad enough, i'm stuck with fucking Mukuro.  
The fucking wonder pinapple.  
I don't care if that shithead Ninth said that it would be good to do some 'survival'training. I just fucking want to get back and _kill_ somebody.

And if Mukuro doesn't stop with that fucking creepy laughter all the time, it'll be _him_  
And while i'm being forced to write this letter, theres a few things I want to get straightened out.  
FUCKING CUT YOUR HAIR. I'm fucking sick of finding clumps of hair in _my_ bath. On that topic, stop using my bathroom. You have your own fucking bathroom.  
And while i'm still stuck here and probably will be for the rest of the decade, I want you to go around killing those bastards that seem to think we're a 'couple'.  
First of all, i'm not fucking gay. And even if I am, I would certainly not be gay for _you_. It's the fucking Lussuria's fault.  
You need to kill him. Kill him dead.  
The fucking guy is a fucking fruit. Even more so then the wonder pinapple. How the fuck did he even get in the Varia anyway?  
Another thing. You need to stop Bel from killing Fran. Since some of the Varia are going to be dead _very_ soon, we need the numbers.  
One last thing, since my hand is getting fucking tired.  
_Fucking kill the Vongola brat. Or i'll kill you._  
Fucking goodbye, and you better fucking do it.


	2. Squalo's reply

Somewhere, a long haired, effeminate assassin lost several years of his life as an owl smacked into his bedroom window.

It was just purely unfortunate that the window wasn't locked and he was in a stage of undress.

Dear _Boss_,

Blame your godforsaken father for this. It is _not_ my goddamn fault that you ended up there – where ever the fuck you are, since you didn't exactly send a return address. The only way I even know this is getting to you is because some fucking owl turned up with YOUR last letter. And it's starting to creep me out, how Fran is talking to it like it's some goddamn god or whatever.

And what the hell do you mean, you broke the laptop?! That thing was fucking expensive! (At least that explains why you haven't responded to any of my emails...)

And you'll just have to live for another day or so – since you _'_left', we've been getting attacked a dozen times a day by fucking Varia wannabes trying to prove something.

And you can't fucking kill Mukuro. He's one of the brats guardians, and the Varia is a step away from getting our funding cut off.

That means no fucking sirloin steak or wine, so just fucking wait until we can send someone to collect you.

And the only reason I use your goddamn bathroom is because your bath is because it's only one big enough. Because _someone_ decided to use up our budget for bathrooms on one fucking bath.

Shit, I have to end this letter now. I've got to stop Lussuria from molesting his subordinates, _again._

I'll send someone as soon as possible, so don't fucking complain to me.

Superbi Squalo


	3. Damn shark

_A/N:_

Thanks for your support, guys! This is (possibly) the last XANXUS/Squalo letter, could you guys please tell me who you'd like letters between next?

Thanks!  
~Feri

_Dear fucking shark,_

Don't fucking order me around. Shit, you're still so fucking irritating even in writing.

Dumbass, don't go whinging to me. You're supposed to have sent some trash to get me off this goddamn island. I even thought I'd get a second of peace with the wonder-fucking-pineapple disappeared.

But now he's back, and smug as shit.

Fuck, I hate that bastard.  
I thought you trash were at least capable of dealing with a few pathetic brats. That's the only reason you scum are around, anyway.

What the fuck do you mean, trash?  
Are YOU fucking telling ME that I can't do something? I'll kill that bastard the second I get! (If he didn't manage to disappear every time I try. Git.)  
…

Fucking screw that. If I can't have my steak and wine, you fucking losers are out of here. I'm serious. Don't screw around with me, Squalo. Because I'll fucking shoot you in the head until you die.

And you can bath in a pond or whatever. I don't give a shit, just stay out of my goddamn bathroom.

Is that a ship? Fucking about time you send someone to collect me. Mukuro's grinning his head. What the fuck?  
Hey, that ridiculous spikey hairstyle looks vaguely familiar. Huh. Makes me want to go kill small furry things.  
…

What. The. Fuck.

No. That isn't who it looks like. _Fucking shark, if that's who I think it is, you are dead. The moment I get off this goddamn island, I'm going to fill you with lead and then I'm going to use my Flames of Wrath. If you sent that _brat_ – fucking screw the agreement. I haven't been able to try and kill him for seven years. He's _dead meat.

Xanxus


End file.
